P.S.

I am obsessing over "The Hobbit" gah i love these kind of movies!!!

Heres to New beginnings

2012.....
It has had it's good times and bad times.
I have lost many friends. Friends I never thought could be possible to lose.
2012.....
I have grown... a lot. I learned many things. People I can't trust. I have learned to love from a distance with certain family members. I learned to appreciate the people who actually do love me and care for me. I have put too much effort in friendships and when I step back I see it fall apart because I was keeping it together. I learned not to put my all in friendships anymore Just to focus on reality.


2013 is definitely going to be a great year. I am going to start my youtube channel. Going to learn to Vlog and just try to make people laugh and feel good about themselves. I am going to start living a healthier life and continue to learn how to be grateful and positive in every adventure that is upon me!

so

                                               I welcome you with open arms!

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Excedrin + Naps

Had a better day today. Sundays usually are my favorite days. It's when I get some real family time in.
We go out and enjoy each other  wether it be a dollar movie or just a drive with the windows down.
It's a day I can relax and be lazy.
I Usually clean my whole house on saturdays but unfortunately I had to work. So *looks around* yeah house is a mess!

On a good note! I finally got my soup and its  delicious! chicken enchilada soup! and I also found some really yummy pita chips. I want to buy some artichoke dip that I had sampled with it but later times.
Lately tho I have not been feeling good at all. Been feeling nauseous  and having migraines.On top of it I have been more clumsy then usual and biting myself when I eat. It is very annoying.
Yesterday after work My mom , kyree, and I went to the blvd to only find us in an event. A real fun one. A christmas choir with there own orchestra and food! and kiosks full of homemade things! including fudge oh man!

I am really itching to cut my own hair! I can't wait any longer. To soothe my itch i trimmed my bangs a tiny bit but I have no clue how long this is going to last!

Usually around the holidays I become super depressed because we can't do much for example sending out christmas cards. But this year is different. I have noticed how much I have grown and Learned to become more thankful for what I do have. We haven't even went christmas shopping!




 I have worked a few hours of over time so as long as my little girl gets what she                              deserves I am happy!

Looooooong days

Today was such a long day at work but it was a good day. Barely, did i hear my name . Besides the fact that my body has been aching much work was less stressful then usual.When the doctor gave me my list, which is new every 5 minutes, i was still able to breath and say "Okay, No problem".
I have been leaving my "attitude" at home and try to get into my positive mode. Those phones tho still bother me. I really Dislike answering those phones! Everytime i hear that horrifying noise i cringe inside! I don't like talking on the phone at all anymore. Texting for the win!

Last night I spent all night from 8pm-1:30am cleaning and moving around my daughters room. When i moved her room around I noticed a vine growing thru the wall into her room! Now thats not something you see everyday! My husband and I were laughing. Only us!
Right now i am sitting on my babygirls bed watching tv chowing down on candy cane kisses!yum yum yum

Good for a Monday

Today was a good day.
I am overwhelmed with happiness but tiredness is slowly creeping in.
My husband surprised me with a lovely breakfast while I was busy at work.
Work *snickers* yeah work was the normal but I didn't hear my name as much .
We are working with two doctors. It went smoother then I thought it would have.

Yesterday I also got to chat it up with one of my good friends! I believe that I bored this person but this person still stuck around! I dont find many of those friends if you read my other posts. I real cherish you if u ever read this!!! Always there to chase the rain clouds away!

Beauty line

Ah! i am at it again! I made another blog! This ones about beauty and makeup muahahaha

Confusions

So last night my cousin and his girl were suppose to come over for dinner. Well my cousin thought I said sunday. /Facepalm.
So we got to enjoy dinner and my pie all to ourselves. Too bad they missed out. We will re schedule.
Today its cold outside but bareable. The sun is hiding behind white puffs we like to call clouds.
I tried to take a cat nap but my would not shut off. I hope it starts to rain. I need the sound and the smell. I miss it.

In good spirits

I am in a good mood today, Husband isn't but I am.
Just got done cooking my apple pie now to make dinner.

My favorite cousin and his girlfriend are coming over for dinner.

I havent seen them in a long time!! hehe happy!times!

A little better

***********Stretches*******
I just woke up from a cat nap :)

Today was a little bit better today .
Work was smooth, but i realize I get called out on things i dont even do cuz there too
scared to call Mrs. Perfect out on her mistakes. I have no clue why. I am growing tired of it. HOWEVER!!! hours got changed, was super nervous but great news I got some hours back! yay!!!!!

P.s
Deart kittykat hat I miss u!

Meow

Hmm

Thinking.............................................



                                                      
 I should probably stop doing that...........................

The real me

I want to be me so bad, but I feel like I am being held back.
Like I am being censored. Slowly but surely the real me is creeping up. I wish it was quicker.
I want to color my hair get a few more piercings and start up my ink obsession. Please please pleaseeeeee I feel me trying to break out!
Life yet again proves it will never be fair! haha

This too shall pass.............

Confrontations

Kind of hard to trust when I accidentally came across something. Not shocked nor mad but when Stuff goes on I cant help but think bad things.

Gah! I need a Massage! a nice deeep back massage.

Threesomes

I get the concept, I understand why every guy wants it. But dont make your woman feel not good enough or worthless.
It tears us apart inside. Unless we are 100% into it. I have tried but I cant get myself to share.
and another thing, how can you ask for one and not give ur wife/gf one . I am not saying i want two guys pounding into to me at the same time but just think about it. How hypocritical is that! haha . This blog made me smile. Haven't smiled in awhile.



This too shall pass................Meow

Debbie downer

It's kind of official,
I have no friends. I lost all my best friends. Yes even my online ones.
It's not them I dont blame them at all. I am such a boring person.  I really think I am
Everyone has busy lives. Me? I just work, come home, clean if I have energy and attend to my kid.
I hardly ever have money to do anything with anyone.

Today has just been a long sad day. Things are happening in my life and I have no one NO ONE to talk to anymore. So I am back to keeping it all in. It's too late to even start a new friendship and let it grow. No one would understand my story, what i have gone thru. My "Friends" tell me there here for me . It's just a bunch of hot air really. I am not worth the time or love.

I know life is never fair. But seriously the last few months have been more unfair then usual. I wish i could vent to someone about it. Ugh so lonely in the friendship department,
At least some of my family still likes me. My cousin and his girl is coming over for dinner that I really hope i can afford to make.

I am so happy tomorrow is last day of work for the week.Works been good to me but im so drained and ready to sleep in hehe.


Ive chosen my life and thats that. I am thankful for my life and the two people who are in it but I am ready to move on . Its tiring watching everyone progress and just sitting there living each day the same way.
I Just pray God brings one person into my life that actually wants to hang out with me who actually wants to take the time and work on our friendship.

I know i dont have any followers but if you actually read this thank you for listening :)

Mystery man

I woke up this morning emotional. I had an amazing dream. Not only did it feel real but it left me with questions.
Lately I have been having an itch to write. But being me I put myself down. I think to myself that I need to really take a writing corse in college and I will soon as I can enroll.I love school and I love learning new things!
Anyways the dream was colorful and magical if you will. Not to mention I was a total bad ass.
There was this guy that I fell in love for instantly. This man wasn't your everyday average, he was someone thats hard to explain but I will try. "People" say that everyone who you see in your dream you have seen before in real life, I agree with that statement to a point. This man I know I would have remember ever seeing.
The other day someone asked me who my type was, I couldn't really give that person an answer. Dumbfounded, they gave me another option. They asked which celebrity did I find hot? Stumped again I couldnt give them an answer. We laughed and went onto the next subject. Later on as the weeks pass on this question has got me thinking. I know I am married and my husband should be my type. Well he is...to an extent. There is so much more. I married him at age 19, not knowing anything else. As we grow we learn and change.
Back to the dream, this man was everything I love that made him a man, if that makes sense. Let me explain, he was tall and muscles hugged every inch of his body, but it was just right he could still wrap his arms around you. He had dark hair and light brown skin some parts of his body was covered in tattoos. His personality was sweet and charming but still had the mean rugged edge towards others, and not in a disrespectful way. I just wish I could explain him better then what I am trying to paint!

What I dont understand is why did this "dream guy" make such an impact in me? Why do I find my self reliving this dream over and over until i start to forget? Now i am not thinking of him in a way I wish he was alive and we were together. I am thinking more of how can i fit him into a book that I have brainstormed into writting. He isn't my average leading role in a dream he was 100% different.  The dream is super difficult to explain. Maybe God will guide my thoughts into words to write down and form into what I have been itching to write.
I love dreaming. Sometimes I just wish I could stay there Just a little bit longer or somehow continue it the next time my eyes close.
Dear mystery man, I will find you and I will bring you to life!

Tired

I am tired, drained, fustrated.
My family can be over sensitive.
My sister for starters. Oh boy where should I start. She has issuses!
She blames my mom for everything wrong with her and her life and talks bad about her as soon as the chance is given!
Lazy, sleeps all day and is obsessed with a online game called second life.

My mom, i love her to the moon and back. But I know im not her favorite and I will never be. Not only do I know but sometimes she makes it known. I do everything she asks no problem. But the one time i got upset about watching my uncle once! she got all hurt about it and became a drama queen. I apologised right away but she drug it out.

Last night we had to put my kittty down (the one who lived at the office) was so sad. Yes i sobbed tremendously! He started having tremors and had unexpected aggression , drooling and panting. His blood work was perfect. I wish I knew what was wrong so we could have helped him. I miss him so much already.

On a brighter note! Tomorrow is a semi family reunion! My cousin is having a baby shower and I am getting my lazy ass up and going!!!

New Day

Tomorrow Is a new day!
I really am motivated and I really want to lose this bellly That I have
so I am cutting down on portions I eat and excersising!Almost every night!

I really want to do this. I want to make my husband proud of me and wear cute clothes.

I don't want to embarass my daughter when she gets older and I do want to be healthy as

I get older. Lets see how this goes. I am over being lazy, I am also going to keep up with my

photography blog I have to!

Wish me luck!

Now that the day is ending

After my last rant,
I have been feeling a lot better I just needed a way to scream and get food in my belly
I always broke into my emergency stash of monsters hehe.

still hate myself

It's Just me

I Officially hate me. Nothing I do or say is ever right. I am always irritating the person I am with
I can't even stand me anymore. I just want to be lonely the rest of my life!
Thats why God hasnt taken me to heaven yet. Cuz all I will do is just irritate him more!
It all makes sense
I know I have said it many times before but this time I mean it. No more joking around I am shutting down
Keeping to myself. The only person whose going to see the real me is my daughter. Im so serious right now

I HATE ME MYSELF AND I!

Moments like this....

Suck! I feel so worthless and boring. I don't Know why i am here!!

I hate that I feel like this often. I have no clue why. And when I do I shut down
I become quite and all I want to do is be alone.
Everyday I am homesick. I thought after 3 yrs being away from my parents
I would get use to it but yet I sit here and miss my family more and more.

Just maybe

Maybe I do need therapy.....

Least then I will have someone to talk to......

Must be nice

To be my friend but to text my husband to see what he is up to. Hi remember me? we were friends first. It's ok you probably just needed a reminder. No problem I have other friends who want to talk to me.....but they probably forgot too. No don't worry about it. I am good on my own.

Funny thing is he hates texting, well he use to. but now he seems to be doing it more often then usual. Lovely

Confusion

I really don't know anymore.
My life is so confusing. I am happy but depression always seems to sneak in and comfort me like a blanket on a cold rainy day.
I honestly don't know who my real friends are. I really don't. They seem to really like my husband a lot more.

I know I am boring. But oddly enough I would hang out with myself.
There is so much i want to do looks wise but I can only go so far. I am always censored.

Most days I feel like I can't do anything right at all.
No matter how hard I work I am still struggling. I am still behind on my bills.
Life is so fustrating, confusing....hard.

I wish i was a better person. I could be a better person but my motivation only lasts a week if so.

UGH! i hate my lap top! i miss having a computer!

I dont know if its hormones but i am fustrated and sad, I just want to cry!

It's been a long few days...

With my husband working and me having to find rides for lunch in this heat have been kind of stressful. I hate having to depend on other people. I wish I didn't have to do it so much . Last two days tho I have been able to see my husband which has been awesome.

Last night he really suprised me. My friend was out swimming and invited Kyree and myself. Finding out her husband was going to be there my husband came out suprising me with his company especially when he had a long working day as well. Then after we all went out for dinner. How fun !! It's nice finally having friends who like to do things with us even if its not a weekend!

BBQ!

Today was a easy relaxing day, My house is clean and the air is fresh.
Today our friends came over for a swim and a nice bbq! I love to bbq. I am so happy we get to do this a lot this summer!
Only down fall is My period came today, I am in pain and after my nap I woke up with a headache !

I hate when I only get one day off during the weekend. My weekends are to short when that happens hehe.
Look at those crazy whiskers!

Overworked...

Today I had to cover a shift. Usually I am ok with it but this time around I just wanted to be home with my family. Work was so long, and I am so tired. The heat didn't help at all.

I am so tired and drained but i still was able to take My daughter and Niece swimming. Twas a beautiful day!
I also enjoyed my kitten as she napped peacefully and she purred the whole time hehe

Busy Friday

Today my husband started his new job, but I have no way of talking to him
I want to  know everything ! how it's going, what he doing blah blah blah! ah so irritated.
To add to my fustration I am going to be the only tech today so I pray that it wont be too busy.
I have my niece over but shhh she has no idea about the kitten! shes going to stay at my house alone while I am at work, some quiet time to herself :)
To make it worse its so hot outside
Can I just take off work and chill in the pool? thank you.

Some thoughts...

Today was a bit challenging at work. But I have noticed I am growing stronger, being a problem solver. I have to go to the doctor less and less these days with such silly questions. Kittens and puppies today, can't help but keep smiling.
Last night I tried hanging out with my online best friend but again she was too busy to respond to my texts. Second life is a fun game but not worth ignoring your rl friends. I haven't texted her today and she hasn't texted me either. My reasoning is because im cooling down from the situation. Hers, shes probably too busy like always.
 Tomorrow our kitten comes home. I really hope it works out! This kitten is no ordinary kitten. She showed up at the vet i work at few weeks ago, Scared and fragile little thing. She has finally warmed up to all of us. We are able to touch her love her and pick her up! So this week my husband and I decided we should take her in and give her the love she deserves. She has such a light purr and is under weight.We might name her Onyxia.

My neice will be over tomorrow so shes going to be so exicted to help me care for this sweet thing. I am watching my neice for the weekend. Only bad part of my weekend is that I have to work saturday.
Other then that tho its going to be another great weekend!

To new begginings!

Well it's not January 1st but it is a new day!
Things happened that have changed lives. I no longer have certain friends nor family memebers in my life whom like to start un wanted drama about me!

My husband Is more attentive with my needs and wants and is now yes romantic.
He also got a job and will start mmm next week. We are both excited!!
We will possibly have a new addition to our family. No not a baby [yet] but a kitten!!!
I also finally have a cell phone it's a text only but thats all I need :)
I am finally able to say I am happy! in love! and happpppy!
I have been having my neice over and bonding with her. She needs me. I'm sorry It took me this long!

My out of town best friend, Well our relationship hasn't progressed. I thought by me having a phone we could pick up where we started. No. She is still too busy with other [new] friends and her family. That is the only down fall to my life but I am getting closer with My newer friend and her daughter who is kyrees age and our husbands have a good time together. So that is a plus!!

I started a new blog today. It is a [Photography] blog. I want to take more pictures and get to really know my camera before I start school in a few years!

                                                                So cheers to more happy days!

Off balance

Today I feel so off balance maybe cuz I'm on my period idk but seems like my friendships are worth nothing to them.

I'm so quickly forgotten or replaced. Even easily ignored. For example my sister in law thought I lied to her about something so stupid. I explained I wasn't lieing but now she won't even talk to me at all. Or another example my friends have better people to hang out with or talk to.
I really think I'm a boring person my husband doesn't like to hang out with me now my friends too. I'm sorry for whatever it is I did but I'm not sorry for who I am. I least have one true friend I least can hang out with supervised of course because u know I'm an Un trustable person.

It's official

The worlds mad at me today :)

independence...

I did something bad..
something really bad today....

Work was good had a friend drop me off at home, while the boy are out working hard. I knew what I was going to do the whole time I was at work.
Now let me explain im in no normal marriage. I am married to a man who likes to be in control and treat me like a kid. I am never alone. I am never allowed to walk anywhere by myself. Well today I took the chance. I walked to my favorite resturant which is a 5 minute walk and ate there by myself. I loved every minute of it. I didnt have to talk I didnt have to pretend to be happy. I got to just eat and relax.
I could get in so much trouble for this. I needed some independence today. i needed to be on my own finally. Only my best friend would understand. Both of them.  I am actually happy today. I hope the rest of my day is just as wonderful

Im tired of not being trusted I am 28 yrs old now. I should be able to walk to places on my own and be on my own. My friend wants us to go camping july 4th and I have no car to make it. However she has room for my daughter and myself to go with them. I asked my husband he immediatly said NO!
(of course I cried) but today i reasoned with him to think about it and we can talk about it before you say no firmly. HE AGREED TO THAT! so fingers crossed!!!

Dear best friend...

I am also off balance because my best friend isn't around anymore.she lives in a different state but ever since I lost my cell phone service I feel as tho I've lost her too. She no longer keeps in touch with me nor calls me. I would call her but she's always so busy.
She's an amazing person friend mommy and wife. I miss her dearly. I have no one else to turn to.
She went on a vacation recently, which is exciting, but she never said good bye or anything. I miss her

Another negative rant

Having an ok day. I'm just tired of people thinking I'm stupid. I honestly give them no reason to. Especially the people closest to me who know me. I feel like I'm some kind of pin cushion or punching bag.
Can't I have someone who truly understands me and my feelings? I may seem a bit tough but by the end of the day I do hurt easy.

Dear god please give me the strength to take on the mean mess of this world

Bad times

Wow from having a good day to the worst night ever.
I work about 7 to 8 hour days come home to clean and be a mom /wife and cook dinner for four people

The one time I make tacos and ask him to create his own tacos he gets so upset as he's doing it and curses. I go to help him and he yells at me to get away repeatedly until I stop talking and actually walk away. As soon as he's on his computer talking to his buddies it's like he was never mad.
I wish I knew what exactly I do to deserve being treated this way. it hurts when he acts like such a huge jerk but I stay quiet and let him do whatever the hell he wants to. Fighting back is useless. I seriously am un happy and don't know how much longer I can survive this . The dirty looks the mean words need to stop and talking to him is useless.
Could be worse he could hit me,but I honestly don't think he ever would.

Oh and the worst part is forgiving him every time! Sometimes I really just don't want to but I am a forgive full person blah

Some days

I hate how some days are good and some days are the worst.

I do feel like I'll never be good enough for anyone or anywhere. I'm going to try and do my best but anything I do I always somehow make a mistake.

It's hard being me.no one perfect yes I know I hear it all the time but that never makes me feel better about me about my mistakes or how fat I am no. It's just a reminder how I'll never do anything right.

Least God loves me for me and that's all that matters.

Facts

Im trying to come to facts that I will never be trusted. No matter the same things him and myself done to each other I get the short end yay

Its 12 :34...

and I am wide awake reliving the past. Crazy how names can re open wounds. It makes me think why do you get so upset that someone would bring her name up. The past is the past im over it why aren't you? I trust you with all my heart but you still have a hard time trusting me and it's just not fair. I know life isn't fair. If you can't trust me then why are you still with me? We both messed up, some more then others but whatever. I don't understand why you keep me around still. Things are so different now too. I'm starting to feel like a doll on your shelf again. You only take me down when you need me or better yet when company is over. Don't you feel the hurt n emptyness between us? I kind of gave up my life, my friends to be with you not even noticing and this is how it's ending. I have no friends and feel like im running out of love from you. I'd talk to you about it but what is the use? tears waisted. Please God guide me im running out of patience. The man I chose isn't giving me much to live on. You know my hearts desires so i come to you with a heavy heart tonight. between you and me only. I'm starting to hate my life again. I miss being happy, loved, trusted.

Another day

There is a huge emptiness . I feel as tho I am not good anywhere. Least my daughter tells me i'm the best but with everything else i feel like i can do no right. At work all i do is mistakes, at home i just make my husband upset. I'm probably the worst friend ever too i'm sure. Nothing i say or do is good enough lately. I am trying to be positive but this time around there is no hope. I can't find the brighter side of anything, with other peoples situations I can easily but with my problems nothing. I hate feeling like crap. I hope this depression goes away, I don't even care to eat. When I dont want food then somethings deffinatly wrong!!

Special

spe·cial

   /ˈspɛʃəl/ Show Spelled[spesh-uhl] Show IPA

adjective

1.

of a distinct or particular kind or character: a special kind of key.

2.

being a particular one; particular, individual, or certain: You'd better call the special number.

3.

pertaining or peculiar to a particular person, thing, instance, etc.; distinctive; unique: the special features of a plan.

4.

having a specific or particular function, purpose, etc.: a special messenger.

5.

distinguished or different from what is ordinary or usual: a special occasion; to fix something special.

 

 

 

I remember that feeling. When he would make me feel that way. I miss that feeling. Lately ive been feeling the exact opposite. One of my best friends well  isn't there for me anymore [but hey her real life is super busy now] my other best friend lives in another town but hell be back soon and my husband well his number one priority is his video games. Ive talked to him already how he needs to make me feel special and stuff but nothings changed. I'm afraid it never will change.

Seems like my only happiness is with my best friend. Hes a male so our friendship will never be strong because ignorant people think guys cant "just be friends" with girls which really sucks.

Ive been maarried for almost 9 years. The flame is slowly dieing and i feel like such a failure. We have had our ups and downs we communicate but how much longer can we communicate and nothing changes?  I'm at a cross roads  where all i can do now is pray for guidance.

He never wants to do anything anymore but stay home. I understand we dont have finances but we do have a park right across the street and a pool right outside but when i suggest stuff he says no i dont want to. I wish my best friend was around more. He loves doing the things I do. I dont have many friends i do have aquaitances but I guess im not fun enough for them. Ugh will this sad feeling go away please and thank you!

 

 

 

Thoughts

     I dont understand why romance is such a big factor in my life. The worst part about it is that I don't even have it in my life. My heart searches for it. Craves it. Begs for it. I know im loved but perhaps it is not enough. I feel as tho i'm never satisfied. I feel so lost , blinded. Makes me re think life, love, marriage sometimes. Communication is there. My words are heard but thats as far as it goes. I feel as tho as much as i talk my breath is wasted. Nothing will ever change. Hes got to want to change. I see my friends madly in love and therey husbands suprising them with things they love. I am trying i am. But it takes two. I'm in this on my own.

Dreams?

I have no idea why but my mind has been slipping. I have been thinking a lot about my life and where I want to be and where I'm not and where I already am.  *sighs*

Dreams ......
My dreams seem so far far away. I am getting older by the second. I want more kids. Everyone around me seems to be pregnant. I feel like I will never have the chance for a long time. I work fulltime to have another would mean me be an at home mom [anotherdream] but that doesnt seem to be happening anytime soon either. Ive worked my ass off since 2005. My other half well hes jumped from job to job and decided instead of "helping" me out take out a loan and go to school. I hate that now we owe money soon as he graduates. I am trying to have faith In his career choice, but everything he has started has never been finished.
I'm trying to be the good wife. It's hard. I'm running down to the core. I'm tired. He knows all this, but it's not enough to push him. He tells me he appreciates me but in this case actions do speak louder then words....I don't feel it at all. Hes on his computer all day and night. Sure hell get off when I need him but...there isn't even romance anymore. When I tell him ths place is hiring all I hear is an excuse to why he can't work there. Enough already be a man. This is not how I imagined my life to be. Most of its my fault. I let "Love" soften me. I let him walk all over me. I bent over backwards for him. I became his "servant". When will I be me ? I get so scared of standing up for myself. I'm the kind of girl who hates confrontations.
Marriage means sacrifices I know this but to what extent? I have put so much to the side for everyone. If it weren't for God I wouldn't have my babygirl.

Dream
1. Be an at home mommy
2. Have at least 2 more kids
3. Be a professional Photographer
4. Be romantically Loved

5. Be trusted to just go somewhre on my own.