It's official

The worlds mad at me today :)

independence...

I did something bad..
something really bad today....

Work was good had a friend drop me off at home, while the boy are out working hard. I knew what I was going to do the whole time I was at work.
Now let me explain im in no normal marriage. I am married to a man who likes to be in control and treat me like a kid. I am never alone. I am never allowed to walk anywhere by myself. Well today I took the chance. I walked to my favorite resturant which is a 5 minute walk and ate there by myself. I loved every minute of it. I didnt have to talk I didnt have to pretend to be happy. I got to just eat and relax.
I could get in so much trouble for this. I needed some independence today. i needed to be on my own finally. Only my best friend would understand. Both of them.  I am actually happy today. I hope the rest of my day is just as wonderful

Im tired of not being trusted I am 28 yrs old now. I should be able to walk to places on my own and be on my own. My friend wants us to go camping july 4th and I have no car to make it. However she has room for my daughter and myself to go with them. I asked my husband he immediatly said NO!
(of course I cried) but today i reasoned with him to think about it and we can talk about it before you say no firmly. HE AGREED TO THAT! so fingers crossed!!!

Dear best friend...

I am also off balance because my best friend isn't around anymore.she lives in a different state but ever since I lost my cell phone service I feel as tho I've lost her too. She no longer keeps in touch with me nor calls me. I would call her but she's always so busy.
She's an amazing person friend mommy and wife. I miss her dearly. I have no one else to turn to.
She went on a vacation recently, which is exciting, but she never said good bye or anything. I miss her

Another negative rant

Having an ok day. I'm just tired of people thinking I'm stupid. I honestly give them no reason to. Especially the people closest to me who know me. I feel like I'm some kind of pin cushion or punching bag.
Can't I have someone who truly understands me and my feelings? I may seem a bit tough but by the end of the day I do hurt easy.

Dear god please give me the strength to take on the mean mess of this world

Bad times

Wow from having a good day to the worst night ever.
I work about 7 to 8 hour days come home to clean and be a mom /wife and cook dinner for four people

The one time I make tacos and ask him to create his own tacos he gets so upset as he's doing it and curses. I go to help him and he yells at me to get away repeatedly until I stop talking and actually walk away. As soon as he's on his computer talking to his buddies it's like he was never mad.
I wish I knew what exactly I do to deserve being treated this way. it hurts when he acts like such a huge jerk but I stay quiet and let him do whatever the hell he wants to. Fighting back is useless. I seriously am un happy and don't know how much longer I can survive this . The dirty looks the mean words need to stop and talking to him is useless.
Could be worse he could hit me,but I honestly don't think he ever would.

Oh and the worst part is forgiving him every time! Sometimes I really just don't want to but I am a forgive full person blah

Some days

I hate how some days are good and some days are the worst.

I do feel like I'll never be good enough for anyone or anywhere. I'm going to try and do my best but anything I do I always somehow make a mistake.

It's hard being me.no one perfect yes I know I hear it all the time but that never makes me feel better about me about my mistakes or how fat I am no. It's just a reminder how I'll never do anything right.

Least God loves me for me and that's all that matters.

Facts

Im trying to come to facts that I will never be trusted. No matter the same things him and myself done to each other I get the short end yay

Its 12 :34...

and I am wide awake reliving the past. Crazy how names can re open wounds. It makes me think why do you get so upset that someone would bring her name up. The past is the past im over it why aren't you? I trust you with all my heart but you still have a hard time trusting me and it's just not fair. I know life isn't fair. If you can't trust me then why are you still with me? We both messed up, some more then others but whatever. I don't understand why you keep me around still. Things are so different now too. I'm starting to feel like a doll on your shelf again. You only take me down when you need me or better yet when company is over. Don't you feel the hurt n emptyness between us? I kind of gave up my life, my friends to be with you not even noticing and this is how it's ending. I have no friends and feel like im running out of love from you. I'd talk to you about it but what is the use? tears waisted. Please God guide me im running out of patience. The man I chose isn't giving me much to live on. You know my hearts desires so i come to you with a heavy heart tonight. between you and me only. I'm starting to hate my life again. I miss being happy, loved, trusted.

Another day

There is a huge emptiness . I feel as tho I am not good anywhere. Least my daughter tells me i'm the best but with everything else i feel like i can do no right. At work all i do is mistakes, at home i just make my husband upset. I'm probably the worst friend ever too i'm sure. Nothing i say or do is good enough lately. I am trying to be positive but this time around there is no hope. I can't find the brighter side of anything, with other peoples situations I can easily but with my problems nothing. I hate feeling like crap. I hope this depression goes away, I don't even care to eat. When I dont want food then somethings deffinatly wrong!!

Special

spe·cial

   /ˈspɛʃəl/ Show Spelled[spesh-uhl] Show IPA

adjective

1.

of a distinct or particular kind or character: a special kind of key.

2.

being a particular one; particular, individual, or certain: You'd better call the special number.

3.

pertaining or peculiar to a particular person, thing, instance, etc.; distinctive; unique: the special features of a plan.

4.

having a specific or particular function, purpose, etc.: a special messenger.

5.

distinguished or different from what is ordinary or usual: a special occasion; to fix something special.

 

 

 

I remember that feeling. When he would make me feel that way. I miss that feeling. Lately ive been feeling the exact opposite. One of my best friends well  isn't there for me anymore [but hey her real life is super busy now] my other best friend lives in another town but hell be back soon and my husband well his number one priority is his video games. Ive talked to him already how he needs to make me feel special and stuff but nothings changed. I'm afraid it never will change.

Seems like my only happiness is with my best friend. Hes a male so our friendship will never be strong because ignorant people think guys cant "just be friends" with girls which really sucks.

Ive been maarried for almost 9 years. The flame is slowly dieing and i feel like such a failure. We have had our ups and downs we communicate but how much longer can we communicate and nothing changes?  I'm at a cross roads  where all i can do now is pray for guidance.

He never wants to do anything anymore but stay home. I understand we dont have finances but we do have a park right across the street and a pool right outside but when i suggest stuff he says no i dont want to. I wish my best friend was around more. He loves doing the things I do. I dont have many friends i do have aquaitances but I guess im not fun enough for them. Ugh will this sad feeling go away please and thank you!

 

 

 

Thoughts

     I dont understand why romance is such a big factor in my life. The worst part about it is that I don't even have it in my life. My heart searches for it. Craves it. Begs for it. I know im loved but perhaps it is not enough. I feel as tho i'm never satisfied. I feel so lost , blinded. Makes me re think life, love, marriage sometimes. Communication is there. My words are heard but thats as far as it goes. I feel as tho as much as i talk my breath is wasted. Nothing will ever change. Hes got to want to change. I see my friends madly in love and therey husbands suprising them with things they love. I am trying i am. But it takes two. I'm in this on my own.